I believe I've found the partner I always wanted.

And yet — looking back I still feel like he and I were meant to be together, and that he failed, and he broke things. He was not the partner he should have been in our relationship; could have been. But as much as I believe in destiny or fate (although admittedly, this isn't much), I believe that he was the love of my life, and that he was the one. And he just couldn't get it together for me.

It's hard to pick up the pieces and go through life without him, knowing that it is done and that he has caused irreparable damage to us with his stubborn, lazy weakness. On some level I believe he could still somehow fix this. Couldn't I? So couldn't he? But I don't want to let what I have found, and loved, kill me, and if I wait in that brokenness it will happen.

We had our time together and for that I suppose I should be grateful. But I'm not. I'm furious, because we both deserved better than what we got from each other. I still feel entitled to so much more. I was sure I would get it. And I blame him, completely, for fucking it all up.

I'll be happier now with someone else, I suppose, but happiness wasn't my goal. Family was, belonging was, and he and I fit together that way in a way I didn't know that I was looking for, or was even possible.

So fuck him so, so much. He's earned the misery he's getting now, he deserves it.

I don't.